The Fat Side of Me

About last year.. Last year I lost 20 lbs by exercising and watching what I eat. I did it on my own. No weight watchers or anyone to back me up. I worked my arse off and I did it. I dropped a pants size. Probably could have dropped two but was too chicken to try on a smaller size. My bra was too big as well as my shirts. I felt good! I had energy. I was exercising 2 times a day 3 days a week. I had energy and my moods were much better than they are now. Somewhere in there I stopped. Self sabotage I guess.. I slowed down. I said I’ll do it tomorrow..

That mentality took over. I had no one but myself to own up to  and I was already letting myself go. I said,” I can do it tomorrow” and tomorrow never came. It got worse and worse and I started putting the weight back on. First 5 lbs. Then 10. Then 15. Then 20.. The weight I had worked so hard to lose I gained back. My pants were tighter and I went back to my previous size.. Do you have any idea how lousy I felt? I had no one else to blame but myself!

I’ve always been told that you won’t do it until you are ready.. I thought I was ready before. What happened? Burn out? I just gave up. Its like I hit 20 lbs lost and thought,” hey I did it.. I proved I could now it doesn’t matter” Was I at the weight I wanted/needed to be to be healthy? NO. Not by far. I still had a long long way to go. So what happened? I don’t know what happened. Life got busy. The holidays hit. I’ve got a long road of excuses. I was tired. The less I exercised the more tired I was. I couldn’t get back with the program..

So fed up here I am again. What’s different? I have to lose the 20 lbs I had already lost is what’s different. Do you know how that feels? Its like cleaning the toilets again 5 minutes after you already did it. Its like washing the same plate over and over again. Its no fun!  I joined weight watchers to help me “own up to it”. I know I can do it with out weight watchers. I’ve proven that once but the weekly weigh in really helps me. When the scale moves I feel great. When it doesn’t move I feel lousy but keep going. I haven’t had a gain since I started doing weight watchers. I have had it not move though. Just once. Weight watchers gives me the motivation that I need to keep going. I mean 1-2 lbs weight loss a week tells me,’see you can do this next week too.. Just keep going”.

How am I going to avoid burn out again? I’m not sure. Maybe the weekly weigh ins will be a push to keep going. Or the emotional turmoil gaining that 20 lbs back did to me before. We’ll see when we get there. Right now I’ve decided I have to do this for me. So my first goal is to lose the 20 I had previously lost. Its aggravating because I could have been on my 2nd 20lb goal had I just followed through.. The key is to dwell on the here and now and not the past and what has been. Right?